GRADUATION!!!

The day that has been long awaited.....Is today!  It is a bitter sweet dream.....

Who would have known that 18 years would have gone by so quickly?

May 22nd 1995...1:18am 6 lbs 11 oz. 19 inches long Tanner Gary Hart joined our family! He was a joy from day 1 an easy baby, for the most part an easy teen! He has the best smile, personality who has add spunk, laughter and a lot of silliness to our family!

Today he graduated High School!

He did it!  We did it!  I think I just may go drink this weekend! LOL!!!
It seems a little surreal! I so happy for him, Tanner has had to work very hard to get here today, he has had his demons, a lot of stress (which has given me stress) but he persevered! I am sure there were times when he thought of giving up. but he didn't! He is very lucky he has had some great friends that stuck with him through it all.

I am almost certain that he had an angel with him today. It was 16  years ago today that my dad entered the heavens. Tanner was 2 when he passed. Tanner is the youngest grandchild and has his name, who also looks a lot like him. I am sure he is proud too!

After graduation which took 2 hours we headed to Mt Fuji for dinner.

Then he came home and started looking for his first purchase as a newly graduated adult.....a Motorcycle!

It has been a great day...One that I thought was going to take a million years to get here, and in reality it was a blink of an eye.  It feels a little strange that I will no longer have to worry about high school registration, schedules, calls from the principal..... "I need to talk to you about an incident today in where your son was caught hanging a Confederate Flag from a pick up truck and driving it around the parking lot"!  credits, hearing those voice mails...."Your student has been tardy or missed one or more classes today"!

I am proud that he has a plan in his head for the future, whether it pans out or not is yet to be seen....But there is a plan.
I am proud to call him my son!
I am excited for his future! I am glad I can watch him as he continues to grow, to see his progress and to be there when he may need a hand.
Way to go Tanner.....You did it!

Tanner wore this when he received his diploma and he texted me and said " I had to wear them...my future is just to bright"

I am sure it is Tanner.....I am sure it is!

TANNER IS GROWING UP

Since Tanner is turning 18 and will be graduating high school  in a couple of months I thought I would write down some of his school "happenings"

When he was in the 8th grade he wanted a job, the job he aspired was a sweeper at his middle school. He applied and talked to the head janitor they had no openings but he was told if he would check in every now and then to see if someone had called in that day he may be able to be a substitute sweeper. Oh that poor janitor didn't know what he was in for. Tanner started checking with Les every day after school and he soon found out that checking after school was a little late, if someone had called in it was already filled by the time school ended. So Tanner changed his tactic he would go and talk to Les before school. He soon found out that was to soon,  so next he started checking in during his lunch time. With all his checking in he would get a few fill in jobs and he was one happy boy. Soon he was checking in at every chance he got.  He was becoming a regular fill in and was working often. Les told me one day when I went into the school that I had a very persistent boy, that he had never had a kid try so hard to get a job.  The next year he became a full timer. He has worked there ever since. He even worked during the summer cleaning the school.

During this same school year Tanner fooled the entire staff of teachers and administrators......How a kid that tried so hard to get a job could pull off this next story is totally beyond me!

During Tanner's English class the teacher was having the kids take turn reading out loud from a book they were reading as a class, when it came time for Tanner's turn to read out loud and the first word he was to read was the word "THE" he tried sounding it out by making the "T" sound then adding "HE" after struggling for some time the teacher sent him to the office to have him read to the administration.  Tanner actually had them believing he could not read......I really don't get how they believed him he was doing fine and reading in all his other classes. but for some reason he pulled it off, now mind you he is an excellent reader and I was buying him books often. the school actually put him in a resource class and treated him like he couldn't read, they gave him no homework in that class. had someone sit by him to assist with his assignments.Yet in all his other classes he was getting along just fine on his own.  All this time they had never bothered to call me to inquire or to inform me how "behind" he was.  Some come then end of the years parent teacher conference I went, he was actually doing pretty well in all his classes and then I came to his English teacher we were talking about his progress when she finally came clean with Tanner's charade of not being able to read. I was dumb founded when she informed me that she is a resource teacher she told me the whole story of Tanner having a hard time reading out loud in class, how he had gone to the office and they confirmed it....he couldn't read.  I couldn't help it I started laughing out loud.  Wouldn't you?  here is a kid that could read and well. a kid who loved to read "how to" books. instructional books and I am being told he couldn't read at all. The teacher said wait let me tell you that I finally tested him about a couple of weeks ago without telling him it was a test......She looked at me and said this is one very SMART boy he had us all fooled he not only can read but he reads way above average and should not have been in this class all year but he should have been in a foreign language class. The only thing I could ask her was why didn't you guys think to call me why would you let this go on all year?  I hope you all have learned something from this.  I just looked at Tanner and asked why would you do this?  He just said to me why wouldn't I.  I had the easiest English class ever and I had no home work.....If you ask me I would say I am pretty smart....I got A's all year in English.  What a turd!  The teacher could never explain why they never called me. I hope they have not let this happen again.

He has tried that trick every year since...It has never worked in his favor again.

9th grade went pretty well, but he became a little more obnoxious or should I say class clown, he thinks he always must be the "funny" one.

I got a call one day the principal wanted to meet with me ASAP! oh boy will this ever end?

I get off work and head to the school, I get in there and she informs that he has been kicked out of his ceramics class, when I ask why she hand me his latest project it has ceramic tools embedded in it. The tools are metal and had been fired in the kiln which could have broken the kiln and obviously now they could no longer use these tools as they were now in Tanners pot.  When I asked him why he had done that he makes the excuse he forgot they were in there....I didn't buy it, and neither did they.  He had to pay for the tools $20.00 dollars. and they wouldn't let him have his project.  Sounded reasonable to me.

Can you say Grounded!

There was many times when he would say he has no friends, I am sure he truly felt like it, we all have felt that way from time to time.  He has many friends and good friends too!

When I remember more I will share them!

Tanner is growing up and has a great personality. I will always miss him being little but I am excited to see who he becomes!

IT DOESN'T HAPPEN OFTEN ANY MORE

Back in the day when our boys were young we would go out to dinner almost every friday night, it even got to the point were they would give us grief about "having" to go with us.

Now we don't do it every week but Bill and I try to go out once or twice a month. And it usually is just us two that go and the main reason is, is because when we get home from work no one else is around to even ask if they want to go and even if they are home they usually don't want to hang out with us "old folks" on a very valuable friday night.

Yesterday was a Friday and I had taken the day off, about a month or so ago, Bill and I had planned on going out to Wendover to spend the weekend and see a STYX Concert. But as life goes we had some unexpected things come up like a broken dryer, car renewals, a broken windshield all of these things took over our "FUN" money!  but I decided to still take the day off anyway.  Landon doesn't work on Fridays and now Tanner doesn't have school so I thought it would be fun to go out to eat with them, I didn't say anything to them ahead of time so about an hour before I wanted to go I be-bopped into their rooms and said hey how about we all go to lunch, we will go pick up dad and go to Sizzler! to my surprise they both said yes! so they got ready and we headed out to pick up Bill.

It was fun to have their attention face to face to listen to what they like to talk about, their ambitions, dreams. They have some big dreams of getting rich, school, and their thought process of how they are going to obtain these dreams....in our eyes are way out there.....in their minds it makes perfect sense.

Landon wants to open a store that sells DJ systems(items) and clothing, lighting for techno concerts and then one day opening his own club..... that is a big dream!

Tanner wants to get a degree in business and engineering. and open a bike shop and design bikes....another big dream!

It will be fun to watch them to see what they do with their lives, how they get there and what ends up really happening!

I know both of them can do whatever they set their minds to if they have the discipline to follow through and listen to advice from those that can help them.  and if they get in their head that they need to save money and not just spend, spend, spend!

It was a fun couple of hours spent with my family, I hope they realize that as they are trying to grow up we as their parents are growing old and that family is everything! Family really is the only ones that will be there when you fall, family will be there when no one else will be. Family is where it's at.

THROW BACK MEMORIES

I want to write down things I remember about raising two boys, I am sure if I had girls I would have just as many stories.  Life at the Harts have been filled with much laughter some tears and many smiles and yes some arguing.

LANDON

Landon was a snugly baby right from the get go. I think he knew that I would need that since I had just lost my baby girl and my arms would be aching to hold my baby all the time. He still likes to lay on my lap and have me tickle his back while we watch TV. He is not home any more all that often so I try to take advantage of it when it happens.

Landon and I were buddies and when  I was home (not working) we were always together.  We would make trips to our local K-mart just to look around, he loved riding in the cart looking at all the toys, his favorite at this time in his short 1 year of life was Barney! a purple dinosaur!

He was a very easy baby and very laid back until it came to night time, this is the time he wanted to held the most. He would sleep and sleep until I laid him down.  After he was one I was trying to break him of this habit so I would go into him room and  just hold his hand through the slats of his crib, I gave up on this pretty fast as I was still having to get up and be right next to him. I went back to holding him. I am glad I did you can never turn back the hands of time.

He was eager to learn to read and write but school was not always his thing. All of his teachers thought he was ADHD and wanted him medicated.  by the time he hit 5th grade I talked to his doctor to see what he thought.  after some talking he had me convinced to try him on some medication, so as an experiment I gave him the medication and did not tell his teacher I did this as the doctor said that if he was indeed ADHD things a school would change immediately! Three months went by with no word from his teacher so I went in to get some homework that he had left and his teacher was still there and she once again started in on me about medicating him.....Hmmm that's interesting....I stated I was glad she brought it up, I said just for fun I want to ask you a question? has there been any change at all in the last 2-3 months with Landon in your class?  No none why she asks....That's when I informed her that he has been medicated and that since there has been no change he would no longer be taking the medicine and that she should stop bugging me about him being ADHD that he is just a boy!

TANNER

Was not a snugly baby right from the get go! want to eat and be put down to put himself to sleep.  Only slept in my room one night as he was such a noisy sleeper, he groaned all night so I couldn't sleep!
Being the 2nd child I felt a teeny tiny bit of happiness that he was one that could put himself to sleep, since I worked full time had a 2 and 1/2 year old, I was a busy mom!  But on the other hand I missed having a baby that loved to be held!

Tanner went to LaPetite for pre-school and learned quick and was a really happy boy!  but of if he got mad watch out he could throw a tantrum that could last for hours! Everyone was always surprised when they would see this side of him, it would come on so quickly.

when he was about three i gave him a piece of bread with honey on it, as he was eating it I needed him to do something so I asked him to put it down, so he did upside down on my couch!  I said NOOOOOOOO why did you put it upside down .....and he then asked why did you put the honey on the bottom?

When in the 5th grade he got in trouble (for all thing)stealing a recycled cell phone. (they were doing some sort or recycle program ) so this phone he got in trouble for taking was no ones, it was garbage in which he tells me some other kids put it in his back pack to get him in trouble. None the less he got so mad for getting into trouble for something he claimed he didn't do he ran way from school. He teacher Mrs. Smith even left the class to go drive around to try to find him. By the time they got a hold of me they were in a panic and wanting to call the police it had been over an hour and no one could find him...They asked me if I wanted them to call the police, I told them no I was sure I could find him.  I left work on my way home I called the house and he answered. he informed me that he was home cleaning ( smart kid trying to get on moms good side) When I got home I informed he that I was taking him back to school that this was no way to resolve this situation. He told me that he lives in America and that I couldn't make him go back.  That we live in a FREE COUNTRY!  I kindly explained what living in a free country means and then I took him back to school!  Crisis over!

Oh the joys of boys!  More throw back memories to come!

The Perks of Being A Wall Flower

I just got home from seeing the movie "THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER" While I had never heard of it the title was catchy and I thought I might be able to relate. Oh how I related.

It is a story of a group of misfit high school kids who for one reason or another just didn't fit in with the "In Crowd"  Oh how I remember having those same feelings from time to time while I was trying my best to grow up. I remember those days as I walked the halls of my high school saying hi to those I past to only get the feeling I was invisible, it seemed at that time I had not one friend. To only turn around the next day to having everyone say hi back and some others even saying something kind to me that I was positive knew nothing of me just the prior day.

There were days that all you would hear is the "Gossip" and really who knows if any of what was being said had any truth at all. There sat someone by themselves and everyone just thought "What a looser" then there was the pretty girls and the jocks who you just wished for once knew you were alive!

Really and truly I loved high school as I look back It was a good time for me, I had friends many of them and there are a few that I still keep in touch with. And thanks to social media I have come to know some that back in the day....the days of high school for any number of reasons we did not connect. Probably for some of the reasons I listed earlier. Because in high school you just don't get it.  cannot even fathom what really matters. Oh if I could go back to those days with the knowledge I have today high school would be such a different experience.

What would I do differently:
I would not take everything so personally.  If someone didn't say "hi" back I would just keep smiling and say hi anyway.

That person that was sitting alone I would go and ask to sit with them. Try to get to know them.

You never know how your actions can affect a persons life. For better or worse.

I would try to make a new friend everyday.

I would do something unexpected, help someone some how big or small.

Not to judge

Be more accepting.

Be a real friend

Believe in youself

Take school more seriously, understand that you work habits there will carry with you.

As I watched this movie tonight I thought about these things and I think for most of the time I do these things.......Now.....Sure there is always room for improvement. I just wish we could learn them earlier in life.

Why can we not listen and learn from those that have already walked in our shoes? why must we learn through our own mistakes, hardships. If only we could see ahead to the future to know what really matters!

Even if others never see us as a Wall Flower......We have all been there.

Be the one who makes a difference in the life of someone else!

THIS IS WHY WE DO IT

I have had 4 since I turned 40...The first time I was notified that there was something not quit right they needed a second look. It was on my left side. I assured them it was nothing I knew what would cause it to look like something was wrong I was sure it was from me having Cerebral Palsy all the muscles are affected on the left side. I amused them and went back for another look and I was right it was nothing. Then the next year all was normal. However the following year I didn't go in.  There was a big campaign going on that you didn't need to go in every year that every two to three years was sufficient. The following year all was well.  This last year as in November.......Well......was a different story......

I am talking about mammograms. I am one that does not do self exams. But I have yet to notice anything out of the ordinary.

I decided that since I am in my mid 40's that I wasn't going to wait 2-3 years that I should go in every year. My mom's sister was diagnosed with breast cancer in her mid to late 40's.  so I made my appointment and I had my mammogram on 11/15. It was just like any other and I was having no signs of anything. So I went did the usual thing and was on my way home within 20 minutes.  I thought no more about it at all until a few days later when I came home to a voice mail message from the hospital stating that I needed to call them, it was to late that day so I wrote the number down so I could call them the following day and of course I forgot so when I got home I hurried and called them fully planning on telling them the same thing I did the first time....That it was nothing.

My conversation did not go as planned. It went something like this:
Yes we need to see you again
OK, when
soon, we found a mass on your right side
oh really the right side, not the left?
that is correct...the right side
Oh.....
Yes we will need to schedule you for the "Breast Cancer Center" they have a special mammogram machine.
Oh OK.
I am not nervous and I don't know why. When friends of mine have gotten the same news I am horrified.

I go back in not sure why they have sent me to the "Breast Cancer Center" for just a second look. I didn't have to do this the first time I was told something didn't "Look" right. Oh well I play along. First I am taken back to change then I am escorted to the room that is holding the massive machine although it doesn't look so much different than a normal one.  While they get everything ready I can see on the TV monitor the image of my left breast with a blob that I am sure is the "mass" it looks to me like a bubble. This is when it hits me, there really is something there and my mind starts to race, I start thinking how will my family survive without me, who will do their laundry, who will find all their missing items. make them dinner, make sure they all know where they need to be and when.  I am brought back to reality when the nice lady tells me she is ready to start I slip the right side of the gown off and step forward so I can be placed in just the exact spot where they can get just the right picture to determine if this mass is something to worry about or not. This particular machine takes pictures in a slicing motion so it moves around the front of your body in a vertical way. after a few different angles she is satisfied that she has the best possible pictures.  I think that my stint there is done. not even close. Next I am then lead down the hall to the ultrasound room.  I am positioned on a gurney laying half on my side with a block holding me into place. Next I am told to move my arm above my head
and to stay still I lay like this for close to 20 mins. while the lady tries to find the "Mass" I am able to see the screen and see what she sees.  Like that matters all I can make out  is a bunch of black and white blobs which looks like nothing to me, until she hits a spot that is definitely "something"  she marks it on the screen then keeps looking. she finally tells me she is getting the doctor to come look at what she found.  He is in there quickly. He starts to look around and sees what she has found soon he is marking my chest with a marker then his places a sticker on the located mass.  I am then sent back for another mammogram.  They conclude that the mass they found in the ultrasound is a completely different mass from what the mammogram found so I have TWO. Now my mind has been set sailing back to the "how will my family go on without me" stint.  but is pulled back quickly as the nurse is leading me back to where the doctor is so he can show me the separate mass' and advises that he want to aspirate the one and biopsy the other.  He tells me that he is sure it is nothing to worry about but he doesn't want to play the chance game.  He then tells me that if it is cancer it will be 100% curable since it is so small. One mass was around 1 cm the other pushing 4cm.  He wants to know if I have any questions?  Ummmm....No I say...... my mind is empty.

I am taken back to the locker I change then go set my next appointment. 12-10.


The day finally arrives. I make it to my appointment, I am taken to the back where I am shown my locker and handed the lovely hospital gown where I am told to undress and put the gown on so it opens in the front. I had brought with me a pair of sweats and a warm fuzzy pair of slippers. I thought of comfort since I was told I would be there 2-3 hours.

I am taken to the ultra sound room where I am again positioned and prepped for the aspiration.  The doctor tells me that if fluid comes out it is a good thing. He has been talking to me as he has been prepping and soon he is ready to start. He tells me that is going to give me a shot to numb the area...it stings.and soon he is checking to see if I am numb. It has worked and now he is inserting the needle I can see on the screen what he is doing and I can feel the pressure he is pressing hard.  Finally he reaches the mass and inserts the needle. I do not see any changes on the screen but he says that it is draining which means there was fluid.  He explains that since there was fluid and it drained that it was a cyst and only a cyst nothing else needs to be done.  I am in the clear on that one.

I breath a silent sigh of relief

I am now being lead into a room that has a bed that I need a step ladder to climb upon to reach the bed. I am laid on my stomach where there is an opening for my chest.  the doctor will be performing this procedure from the underside of the bed.  I am numbed again then he makes an incision that is the size of my pinky nail then a device is inserted to take several pieces of the mass out.  This whole procedure takes about an hour. then I have to lay there for sometime while they take everything off me and to get taped up.  After all that is done I am taken back for another mammogram. They then asses that all looks good and I can now go.  I will have the results in three days....


The longest 3 days ever..........

Wednesday comes and goes no word.
so does Thursday what does this mean?
Friday I call and they state they have left a message on Monday, so apparently one of the boys seen our light blinking and listened and thought nothing of the long awaited message not knowing that it was like a LIFE AND DEATH call for me..

They tell me that the "Mass" was NOT cancer. That is was just a lymph noid that had grown into a fatty mass.

In the clear again.

With another sigh of relief!

My mind is reeling again......My family will be ok!  I am not going anywhere! I will be here to keep nagging them to pick up the dishes, clean their room and do their laundry!

Maybe they would not really miss me!

But in the end this is the end result that is wanted by so many and yet there are still to many that are now worrying about their family.  I am grateful it is not me! But they will  always be in my heart with the knowledge it could have been me.

So if you are having that thought should I get a mammogram....get off the couch and the computer and make that call....Do it today!