I have had a lot on my mind this last month......This time of year always takes me back a few years....... back to a time that brings to the surface some sad times, but a time of growth both spirtually and physically. I remember September 4 1991 like it was yesterday. I can see my little baby Jailee rolling all over my bedroom floor while I was getting ready for work when I was ready to leave I went to pick her up and she was not there, I immedately called her name to only hear her tiny little giggle but I still could not see her, I called her name again to only hear the same giggle and then to see her cute little face pop out from under my bed she was really playing peek-a-boo! I said to her "hey you, you better stop teasing me" by this time she was in a full belly laugh.....I can still hear it! I still to this day remember hearing a voice tell me "take her picture" I grabbed my camera had it in my hand to only look at the time to realize by now that I was running late! I am sorry to say that that picture was never to be. How long would that have taken....really?
My first lesson: when told to do something follow through, slow down!
At work that day I kept having a little anxiety....just an anxious feeling, nothing big! On my way home I was having thoughts like "If something was to ever happen to Jailee what would I do" "I would be devastated" "how would I handle that?" As I pulled onto my sitters street I knew something was going on, kids everwhere, a police car in her neighbors drive way as I got out of the car the officer approached me asked me if I was heading in to pick up my kids, "yes I said" thats when he followed me up the drive way that's when my sitter ran out telling me what one never wants to hear.....She stopped breathing! the ambulance has taken her to the hospital, the officer asking so many question.......It will not sink in for some time that who they were talking about was directed at me, that it was my baby they were talking about...All I thought was I will go pick her up and all will be ok, the doctors will make sure she is ok!
second lesson: Be Strong, have faith
Long night ahead many doctors, x-rays and a special blessing told us that what we wanted most was not in our plans. Nothing would keep her here, no medicine, no surgeries, not even life support. The next day would be the day we would say "Good Bye" We gathered our families and friends and we said our goodbyes, she took one final breath and was gone no more suffering!
Third lessson: Prayers are not always answered the way we want them to.
It has now been 19 years and not one day goes by that a thought, a picture (if only in my head) crosses my mind and I pause for a moment and smile or remember a fond memory of a little girl that touched my life for a short stay but left a huge hug in my heart to last me a life time.
Forth Lesson: That a mothers love last forever!
Many will say.....this is a sad story and yes it is, there is never a good time to lose a child. It is something that one never thinks will happen to them... well I guess in this situation....I am "them" but through faith and the support of family and friends you can go on, be happy and grow! I chose to carry on. Bill and I stayed together, many cannot! I am so glad we were able to.
Fifth Lesson: Good things can still happen after bad things!
Our loved ones that have passed would never want us to sit and be idle, to do nothing but cry over them. It is our job to continue on with our lives....as hard as some days can be!
Sixth Lesson: Its not how many trails we are given.....It's how we handle them that matters!